I am today

Glory, Humility

2011-02-27T02:44:00.000-08:00

Glory to God,
His hand on my head.
I am blessed beyond my wisdom-
my folly He'd shown when I said "this is His, this is mine,"
Such a fool am I.

I am a fool,
Mercy, grace come upon me...
this is home,
this is humility.

I am yours God,
I come to you, in my desire to praise you...
you are my desire.
Glory to you.

'ɪləstr'eɪʃən

2010-01-09T02:28:00.000-08:00

¹ The silence of the empty room,
I gaze upon the dark abyss.
A breath lingers from my mouth,
the cold condenced vapors.

² Her eyes... an amber ocean,
the milky white contrast around this honest gaze.
I am vulnerable to them,
she has kissed me with those eyes.

Topics:

Silence
Her Eyes

Give Love

2010-01-09T01:50:00.000-08:00

I was pointed to 2nd Corinthians Chapter 8 recently. It talks about giving. Giving out of love, and having sincere love the outpouring of which is to give. Paul doesn't lay this as a command, but as an example of Christ.

I realize that I've given my life away, and my love away freely. To God, my family, friends, and strangers. I've given much, and I've been blessed much in my lifetime. I imagine how finite my love really is and I imagine how easy it is for my love to falter. In this I can only imagine of my love being wasted. I give from my heart, my time and my mind. There are times when I am thoroughly exhausted and I find myself cold.

One and Half of a Day

2009-05-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating the necessity of adventure in one's life. How we're able to comprehend better what is going on in our life by being "outside" of it. The other day, I woke up, carried my bag into my car and drove off to work just like any other day. That day, I worked, like any other day. The beautiful glance outside the window made me realize more there's beauty to behold outside a room. I remember a pleasant glow in between the window blind which illuminated the room just dimly. I took a step outside to go to the bathroom, I took another trip outside for lunch, and took another step outside to depart to a friends house, to depart for adventure.

I got to Jared's house, expecting a long road ahead. He drove as the sun was setting. In a somewhat romantic sense, through both Los Angeles and Orange County's thick dampening smog. The smog that sucks such breaths that should mean so much more and the smog that blinds a longing to move forward. When we passed those county lines and saw the hillsides that would lead us north, where I imagined the clean air would be. Where the temperature was cool, and a breeze would cause me to breathe deeply and maybe fall into the wind. The sun had set and we were away. As I did with a couple of friends a month before... we escaped from Orange County. It was evening, we listened to music, we talked a few, we arrived in San Luis Obispo and stayed at a friend's house.

The following morning, arising from the couch sober and excited, we took to the road. We planned the day, we had breakfast with a friend in Paso Robles. We caught some fleas, then we headed to Berkeley. We arrived at Berkeley. I thought to myself about such an interesting place, with the hustle and bustle that was reminiscent of Los Angeles, crowded streets, and some senile men screaming "free will" and profanity. We were in Berkeley to meet with a friend who offered her place. After lunch, we parted ways and headed for San Francisco; the whole reason for this adventure, but not what continues to guide it. We arrived in "SF" around 6:00pm to see a band named "Kings of Leon." After their great performance, we headed to Oakland, arrived at Lokate's place; conversed in the evening, prepared where we were to sleep then took into a state of rest.

We woke up today, with an idea of home in mind, an idea of business, and just the state of life we are in. We're here in San Luis Obispo again, we've taken in such beautiful sights and such blissful reminders of existence along highway one, along the coast. This is the brief summary of my three days so far.

Extrapolate

2009-05-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

I’m tired of the unnecessary attachments of living. Having things. I’m tired of knowing I somehow depend on these things for satisfaction. I know my heart isn’t reliant upon these things, these days, it’s more and more difficult to discern whether or not I am defined by these things.

I imagine a self portrait of myself, in the variation of hues I can vividly remember; I’d use these things to identify who I am: a paintbrush, a pencil, a notebook, a bicycle, a computer, a collection of CDs scattered across the floor, books, a camera… I have many things associated with me, yet there is this detachment from them. I reek of the silent indulgence of satisfaction. I have no concern of things over their necessity in my living, but I indulge in them as tools I’ve used in my life.

There’s this large part of my mind that renders me as who I am. It may be a mere delusional self perception. I was naked in this portrait, there were no things laid around me, and yet there was a smile on that face and the left hand over where the heart should be. I don’t know yet if this is where I am, the case right now is that I am not, I just know that is where I want to be.

I am finite. My days have an end over this plane of existence. In this time, I want to know of sadness and despair; I want to know of pain and suffering in my life; I want to know of loneliness and the consequences of being one; I want to know of death and hell; I want to know of the difficulty and torment of living, the emotional heartbreak, frustration and anger. I scream these things out because I’ve been blessed with these things.

Then I raise my voice even more to shout for life; in these finite moments, I’ve come to know of joy, and intentional joy. I have come to know of love and the many forms of it and the misappropriation of them; I have come to know that I am blessed to never be alone and that the relationships I have with my brethren are building; I have come to know of life and what it is to live in truth and light; the mere glimpses I have of my past through the memories I remember, I’ve come to know many things and reason who I am now ultimately by the choice to place God before myself.

Right now, I’m just tired in being who I am.

{Coldness became apparent when I came to know heat.}

Narcissism in My Christian Thinking

2009-03-27T01:58:00.001-07:00

I have observed in many cases of my own nature lately, subjective only to myself, that in this state of "being" to exist and know of my existence and how I relate with the world around me in conjunction to who I am to God is apparently adherent to personal gain. Welcome, my friend, to my attempt at a logical dissertation of comprehending narcissism in the forms I've personally perceived of myself and identified. I have not written this with the intent to praise myself with the wisdom to know when I've become selfish. I have written this in order to shed light on a sin that withholds a mind from truth in light of God and to render the loss of self to be inherently the only way to God.

I am the youngest of four in my family. Being the youngest I was raised by both my parents and older siblings. I was rarely spoiled and raised culturally to not have a sense of entitlement for anything not earned. My parents in their moral upstanding to raise their children different from any child in our culture (my sisters, brother, and I grew up in the Philippines) had tried their best to place in our lives foundations for virtues relating to humility, kindness, patience, morality, and love. This influenced much of my ideals growing up and in cognition deciding whether or not I should receive or pursue something. In essence, I had culturally shifting ideals about virtues and the relevance of my actions toward or away from them. In conscience I can confidently say that my parents had shaped a well rounded moral foundation.

Recently, I have been in a state of growth in mind. Learning to logically express thoughts, concepts, ideas, and meaning. In this phase, a shift of interests had stirred a hunger for wisdom in areas of philosophy and psychology. The more important cases of motives, intent, and human behavioral patterns. I have been perceiving the world, I believe God had shaped and formed, as objectively as possible. Even with my interactions with people, it has become empirically measured relative to my understanding of subjective situations. Knowing in the absolute of general human nature of what is right or wrong and juxtaposing it with a Christian moral and scriptural view of right and wrong, I had been able to be objective to situations that were irrelevant to me or my growth.

I had realized a paradox in my growth. The selfishness of personal gain in pursuit of wisdom even toward God had become self praising and quite ironic. The intent was to find a way to logically justify my faith in God which manifested unintentionally into mindful self indulgence which further contradicted the original intent of the action. In ways I know I have brought glory to God, I've also misconstrued the motives for my learning. I noticed a shift from gaining knowledge for myself to discern how God is working in people's lives including my own, to be more weighted on gaining knowledge for myself as a priority. I had become narcissistic even with logical thinking bordering existential ideals mixed with Christian beliefs. I can now identify within myself where I have faltered in logic, for I have contradicted myself from the foundations of my own intent and morality.

I have come to a concise point in this dissertation to stop in most semantic thinking pertaining only to myself and concentrate intentionally on God's work in my mind. I can only further move in logic, to be uncompromising, to repose and only let growth be an opportunity when available out of my control. I will not digress, nor will I move forward with self perpetuating gain in epistemology, rather, move to the study of the Bible in order to further growth toward God. I submit in humility to God and know I had faltered, but I continue in the knowledge of God's persistent will which I constantly choose to ask for over my own, for I choose to pray for these things in petition to His will. Amen.

i = ? + (0 * 1 (h * m))

2009-03-12T03:24:00.000-07:00

I've been awake, to see the modern eyes of love's first eschew. This emotion of joy I could not fathom. I'm not familiar with this kind of joy, so I deny myself of it. I'm scared of it and to see any form of it, I push it away. I'm overflowing with a love that can easily be mistaken. I found myself loving easily. In my mind, these kinds of loves and joys do not seem right.

But my heart is steady. I am in toil of accepting grace, I feel that God's given my heart space to love so I can love as He commanded. The sound of my voice and the times when I find myself singing praises to my God hold such deep meaning to my heart. Even with this knowledge, I battle against my heart. I know it's been wrong before.

My mind could destroy my heart, along with it the loves and joys I feel. I've wanted to feel these ways for a long time. My prayers have been answered; now my life has become a contradiction.

Spending hours and days in observance, to be discerning on all accounts, being objective on every aspect of how my heart acts and reacts to many things.

I've logically deduced that either I'm wrong to everything, wrong to my heart, or wrong to mind. Rejecting these joys and loves may be denying God the satisfaction of giving me grace.

I am logically equivalent to uncertainty of null(being wrong or right) multiplied by the factor of my heart and mind.

i = ? + (0 * 1 (h * m))

Love is most verbose, transcends speech and sound. I will let God's grace abound and continue to keep watch over my heart.

Lord, help me to use this love according to your will.

Untitled

2009-03-04T04:42:00.000-08:00

I wait on love,
for my love is of the Lord,
as my heart is weary,
hence my soul becomes restless.

For my mind takes joy,
to know the Lord is great to provide,
as my mind is content,
my spirit is at peace.

Hold my heart Father,
you are my comforter.
I see in light the ways my heart falters,
I see in hope of You that it may persevere.

Mind: Blessed

2009-02-26T02:08:00.000-08:00

In every passing moment of events that have a favorable outcome, when do we decide whether or not it's of luck, or it's of blessing. If it's by chance or by grace? Of all things that God there has always been a sense in me that tells me that there is someone out there that cares for me. In a way a father or mother cares their children, so as to me, when things are in favor of me I feel the need to acknowledge that it was not of my doing, but of something else.

I was raised catholic for most of my life and knew of God in a sense that He resided in church. That we would come visit Him every week like my uncles and aunts, and that we prayed at home in a small altar with a cross, His mother Mary and maybe a depiction of Him, Jesus, as a little child. I wasn't taught at home about God, all I knew is that we prayed to Him. In a ritualized way, hail Mary's, and the Lord's prayer... so many times, vowels were connected and slang was almost reachable at this point where enunciating the words would just seem like too much work.

My parents sent me to a non-sectarian, Christian Chinese Private School, aptly named Philadelphia. Every now and again, I'd be in a bible study, engaging in concepts about a God that I never really understood. As I've come to know more and more about the character of this being, and how just He is in everything... luck, just started becoming more unlikely. (In addition, upon knowing the character of God more, there seemed to me a feeling of the glory of man to be utmost fleeting because we are ultimately humbled by God.)

So here I stood, in front of God. Stuck between the concept of the catholic dogma, and Christian thinking, I was confused. Eleven years old and not seeing God... He became a concept of the creator, so all things I should be thankful for are from Him. This included pain and suffering, which is just. (As heat cannot exist without the knowledge of cold, so we can't know love without suffering. Because we do not perceive loneliness without knowing what it means to not be lonely.)

I started giving thanks to a gracious God. Although I did not yet accept Him as my savior, I knew Him as the creator. All things became of Him, and of Him all things were a blessing. Luck, to me, became a word for people who believed more in a statistical fate than that of a creator.

Unintentional Tangent, Starve.

2009-02-20T02:06:00.000-08:00

I write this with the unintentional tangent of thought, which is often recluse and divided from more cognitive or apparent thinking. Unless we dwell within the uninteresting thoughts of citing the more obvious life observances, I'd rather render for you, my audience, a unequivocal misinterpretation of a humorous flatulence. A passing of gas from the brain... otherwise known as a "Brain Fart."

I had a thought about what it is to starve, in thought, emotion, inspiration, passion, and attention. How we comprehend this usually unintended action is to be hungry. Semantically, I would normally bind this with hunger, which would be the proper use. However, metaphorically, for my purpose, I'll use it to describe a more indiscriminate analogy for an idea that we all starve in our humanity.

Paradoxically, to starve, is to have a lack of food or sustenance, and without a source, we would not be able to produce energy. We're inherently selfish beings and, arguably, we start to starve the day we are born. Now herein lies my fart. As we starve for these less tangible ideas of thought, emotion, inspiration, passion, and attention we usually are unaware of the cause or origin of this chaotic void. We seek diligently to sufficiently satisfy our craving for these ideas.

If and when I'm hungry enough, everything is a delicacy and everything is delicious. Let's juxtapose that with our metaphoric starvation. If I am starving of passion, if there is something to be passionate about, do I diligently engage in using that "thing" (which is also an idea) as something to satisfy that hunger? In this argument with myself, to be objective and to both agree and disagree with both sides of my brain. The answer would be "yesno."

The more metaphoric idea of the previous sentences is that, in our minds, if we were to think of our mind as a physical body, it would have many stomachs. To fill one idea, does not necessarily mean we feed two stomachs. If you were to argue, however this is not a conversation from me to you, but from me to myself, that the mind is just one stomach; then why is it that when a certain idea is filled, the mind still craves for those other intangible ideas?

Okay, let's scrap all those ideas. Let's think about starving metaphorically, is like having five empty glasses on a table. Each of these glasses would be a taxonomy for our evolving organisms of ideas. Each glass is the same height and circumference, all glasses hold the same volume of water. If we had a pitcher of water, with a variable amount of fluid, there's always a question of, "will this pitcher be able to fill these five glasses?" To expand on this, what if we had four different juices, each of which was four delicious fruity flavors. Would we try to fill each glass with the same amount of water and juices and have all the fluids mix? This sounds somewhat appealing depending on your choice of beverages, but normally we wouldn't. So for each flavor there is a glass.

Wait... I just lost train of thought.

Point is, God should be the fluid that sustains us.

For a friend.

2009-01-13T00:04:00.000-08:00

I am here with you right now
you're the focus of my mind,
I can imagine the light surrounding your eyes.

If you can be a single tear
I would not wipe you from my face;
I can hear your kind voice,
it embraces me,
it bends wind to find me.

When I read your words,
I hear you whisper.
I'm lost in this sentimental gaze,
for heart is for those who truly love,
we've loved.

Over the fence

2009-01-12T23:25:00.000-08:00

In this night I've laid my head
across the grass
skin slid my face touched the cold blades
bent my back arched
neck, muscled tensed up
eyes closed.

It's only flesh,
I've fallen.
It's only flesh,
I've come to know.

Repose 1

2008-09-16T22:25:00.001-07:00

We should be against the wind running,
we should be living free as we are.
To fall into forever, and be as clean as pure as we know.

We could be sitting quietly in the dark,
and light shines on us.
In silence we'll have warmth,
in solace we'll forgive ourselves.

To find out that we'll be alright.

The Piano

2008-09-15T01:18:00.000-07:00

There was the sound of your voice,

echoed through the air

it whispered in my ear sweet lullabies.

Fingers lightly touching black and white keys,

they were cracked and old withered, fragile, vulnerable.

You played me a song and I sang with you.

I could sleep tonight,

but I'd rather hear your voice sing,

so I can be with you and you are here with me.

3rd Night Ride, Fail

2008-09-04T01:05:00.001-07:00

Tonight, we went on our third weekly Night Ride. We started out late for reasonable situations, we got further delayed for unforeseen circumstances. The first thing that happened was everyone not meeting up in a timely manner, which is definitely okay.

The second thing that had happened was bike trouble, the chain on the rear gear of one of our friend’s bikes ended up on the lowest gear and got stuck. I was able to fix it for her but we didn’t feel safe riding a distance and having it happen again. So she stayed behind and hung out elsewhere.

The third thing that happened was that my derailleur, did a similar malfunction as Emily’s bike. The chain got stuck between the frame and the high gear. Les was able to pull it out, I made sure that the chain was properly placed on the right gear again. After this, we were off.

The fourth thing that happened is Byron’s left crank arm (the stick that attaches to the pedal) came off. We halted and searched for the missing bolt. Les went the distance and searched far and wide, but to no avail… the bolt was not found. We waited for a bit and decided to call it. The night was over. Eleven O’ clock in the evening, right on time.

I’ve let go and accepted again that there are just some things you can never put your hands on.

Upon all these situations happening in one night, first thing I thought to myself was, “I think we should have prayed before we left.” Not that whatever happened, would not have happened. In the grand scheme of things everything was a blessing. If Emily felt confident to ride on the bike and got to where we were, it may have not been good for her. When she wasn’t able to make it, I thought to myself “God’s will.” My chain getting stuck, Les being there, able to help… overall, it was a good night. I’ve let go and accepted again that there are just some things you can never put your hands on. I hope you had a great night. Let’s ride again!

Goodbye August, Hello September

2008-09-03T07:42:00.001-07:00

I remember last year, how I was different from who I am now. Seasons pass and change, but we're always able to recognize their arrival. I feel that I've changed much within the past year, I feel that I've learned much from the situations that have happened in my life.

I can imagine myself last year, being so "broken hearted," I can remember last year being one of the best experiences in my life. Times I've spent alone to reflect and pray, the times I've spent with good friends and good company, the times where it was plain fun, and the times when I've done something stupid. (Like drop my wheel into a ditch blocking a driveway and preventing over thirty people from getting home... it was a great night.)

Last year, around this time, I took time to pause. To see where my heart was and where it is. I've come to know that it's in Jesus. This is still something I wonder about; how I could love my God and never see Him. There are so many instances when I know that my hope in Him was the only thing that kept me from falling apart. I know for sure that He's around, I know for sure that He's taking care of me.

I spent time in peace at parks, to hear the rustle of the leaves. I spent time at the beach to hear the crash, fizzle and roars of the waves. I felt as if I needed to know who I was and who I wanted to be. I know who I am now, and I know who I want to be. Summer rolled around, then fall came and I knew that I had changed. There were leftovers of how I used to be, and I can remember how things affected me.

This year summer's almost passed, fall is here to come. I know my heart's ready, I know it's in the right place. I'm further waiting for many seasons of change.

Early Morning

2008-07-28T06:14:00.001-07:00

July.

I was restless and helpless. My body had rested to a point and my mind was relentlessly running it's processes. I deemed it a rampant departure from myself, to think about the people around me, of how they are at the moment. I have friends leaving soon to India, my prayers for them are of hope. I have friends going through their relationships, my prayers for them are of hope and patience. I have friends who don't know where they are... my prayers to them are to be found.

There was a sound in my mind, it knows of things I don't fully understand.

Good morning.

Care

2008-06-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

For the past 4 Months, I've been going to Long Beach California with a group called the CO- Project feeding the Homeless. It's really amazing to see what kinds of relationships that are being built there and what a hotdog, or a piece of pizza can do.

These are people who are down the streets and avenues we don't walk by. These are people who've had the hard life and are just surviving. Drugs and alcohol are like fruits; when enough money comes in, they are just ripe for the picking.

The large reason why we go is compassion.

Finding old words

2008-05-12T00:07:00.000-07:00

(Few words from 2005)

I realize that this evening is now,
tomorrow.
You are my nightingale,
the nocturnal sound
of your voice chases the night away.

Leave me to rest this night,
I have done something terrible,
I have done something right.
The words of this mouth communicate
a love that heeds to no distance or time
in your presence I am your's to finish.

Dirty nails grow on these hands
I wish roots would grow out of these nails,
then maybe spring would be complete.

Slumber in the light of the sun reflected by the moon
delight in it's distance, delight in it's might

Mind: 1 Vessels Part 1

2008-04-21T02:59:00.000-07:00

Lord, I pray that you will guide me in my words. I am inspired by the truth in my heart, Your spirit compels me.

My mind has been a vessel for thoughts, ideas and concepts; they move through the oceans of doubt, inadequacies, temptations, and selfishness in a constant flow. Vessels sink, in inadequacies, in doubt... but I pray to you Lord, for the strength and buoyancy to float through these.

I feel inadequate for God's work, yet my Lord still uses me; I feel inadequate for God's love, yet my Lord still loves me; I feel inadequate for God's compassion, yet my Lord still cares for me. His loving kindness fills me, His spirit moves me. In this I trust in the Lord, with my heart.

Yet when I trust in the Lord, I trust Him blindly at times. Where my concern is not that of my own self, but that of how it affects others. I question my intent, I question my love for myself. For how am I to love my neighbor, as I love myself? If not my love for them is not a love for my own. So I trust in the Lord, I pray to Him. A sovereign, great provider I know we have in Him. I pray for His will, and petition my own. I am comforted to know my God is impartial. I am comforted to know my God is just.

I do not know if I love myself. I have no fear in death. My mortality faces me everyday. I trust my Lord will deliver me. I trust that I will be with Him to glorify His name. I have no fear in death. I seek the truth, the word of my Lord. I seek that the fruit of His wisdom, not only in His word, and my testimony shall be a light to those who are needy. O' I love what He has done in my life. I love the spirit within me; I love this frail heart, and this stochastic mind. For my heart I've prayed for it to be as malleable as clay and my mind for it to be filled with discernment with His spirit. I love myself, I pray to be strong, loving, understanding, forgiving, and nonjudgmental. For my Lord has labored in love so that we may follow Him. I am healed by His faith and compassion.

I acknowledge that my heart is still fallible; my Lord has blessed me with heartache. I tell you my mind is scattered into a multitude of thoughts; my Lord has blessed me with questions. How is my Lord to form my heart if He does not knead it? How is my Lord to captivate my thoughts without setting a trap? The Lord works in mysterious ways... I still cannot fathom.

Comfort

2008-02-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

This bed, these sheets, these pillows, the ambient music playing, a desk lamp, my shirt, an 18 year old hoodie...

I've realized that I've taken comfort in many things that really don't mean anything to me. I realize this and I think to myself, "how vestigial are these things to me as chicken's wings." Sure the chicken has wings, it keeps it warm and balanced, however, it doesn't allow them to fly.

I know that I take comfort in these things because they make me feel comfortable. Nonetheless I know if you take away these things from me, I also know what it is to be uncomfortable. I don't seem to be wrapped up in my things. I could do without a computer for the longest time, even though I rely on it so much. I could do without fancy shirts or good music, or the desk lamp.

I find now that I have the most comfort in Jesus. When I pray there's a sense of closeness to him. I know I can trust him no matter the circumstance. I understand that he wouldn't let me live such a life without hope in my heart. There's also a manifestation of His love in flesh. The kind a friend can deliver, the kind that a mother can bear.

So I have friends who are of Christ, and it draws great comfort to my heart knowing that they move through Him. If someone asked me to show proof that God exists, I'd love to introduce them to my friends, there's nothing better than living proof. I'll find comfort in the fact that no matter how far away we get from ourselves, I'll always have those friends to point me back to Him.

Not now, just then.

2008-02-10T02:16:00.001-08:00

I've been busy in my mind.
I've been busy with my mind dealing with my heart.
There are many instances that I sense selfishness with my "wants."
I pray for God's will, that I know nothing of.
Stumbling blocks seem much more apparent now and flesh is suddenly so easy to deal with.
Caring for people I don't know, I feel strange that my heart would sink for them.
I feel compelled to take action to show people love.
I feel trapped in a sense of worthlessness of actions.
There are 4 people in my life that I have concern for that are in troubled times, I pray for them in every chance I get.
I have a good friends that I think about knowing their good hearts.
I met someone who I am afraid of.
I spoke with an old girlfriend of mine. My heart raced, I was scared. I pray that she's doing fine.
For the past 4 weeks I've been busy on the weekends.
I've danced to eighties music with very fun people.
I love my family dearly, I miss my sister.
I'm not happy, I have a sense of joy.
My dad's pug is irritating but endearing. My brother's chihuahua-terrier is always loved.
I am alone, however, not lonely- just a sense of void.
The park is an excellent place to take a nap.
Hearing the wind rustle the leaves makes me take a deep breath.
I've met broken hearts.
I've been wanting to apologize to uncertainty.
There's a way.
I have songs in my head I sing when they come forward.
Having faith in the Lord is comparable to being consumed with utter love.
Not knowing many things and knowing some things is a good thing.
Knowledge is fleeting (and as vestigial to an ostrich as it's wings, as it is to us at) many moments.
I want to know people who care.
I've seen pride hide through many faces.
There's a veneer for many sins.
Beauty is what God intended for our hearts, through His love.
Don't tell me what to do. Suggest that I do.
I'll be recluse and mistaken.
I am neither here nor there.
It's when you've drawn in your eyes the lapse of sincerity that I'll listen.
I'll have a hard time remembering your name but I'll remember a sense of you.
...

2008-01-30T22:51:00.000-08:00

There was a sound in my mind,
it never forgets.

There was a hand in my hand,
warm hand on my heart,
not to know how it started,
Lord let me forget.

Let the twilight die,
it's not romantic.

What was there, in this heart of mine,
it has changed; there was time, there was time.
I'll never love the same, I'll never love the same.

Let's not forget, who I am; who I am to God.
Who am I in my Lord, who the Lord is in me;
I'll fight and I'll cry, He'll always be with me.

Sleep, rest, hearts, dreams

2008-01-16T23:02:00.000-08:00

on the island,
of sand and dreams,
we'll be asleep,
awake in dreams

... our hearts will rest,
our minds will settle,
we'll be asleep,
awake in dreams.

2008-01-09T00:29:00.000-08:00

what it is to spread love,
love lost, love wished, love hoped, love longed for,
love despaired, love foolish, love kind,
love departed, love recluse, love promised, love seduced,
love manic, love madness, love panic, love sadness...

we'll be selfish with love, selfish without love.
our love, conditional, our love, irrational

Let love come from Him through you; let the love you have be true.
Giving grace, give God's grace.

2008-01-05T07:59:00.000-08:00

Tongue like a knife,
cut with words like a razor.
A fear without a fight,
she'll kill my heart tonight.

We were young,
we were strangers.

Dawning in dusk.

2008-01-05T07:33:00.000-08:00

Sitting alone in the morning, uncover those eyes and see.
Bright sun light, waiting for me.

The day has just begun,
I'm waiting for the sun.
The day has just begun,
I'm waiting for the sun.
The day has just begun,
I'm waiting for the sun.

Sitting alone in the evening,
looking out for you, but you were,
sitting right next to me.

The night has just begun,
I'm waiting for the sun.
The night has just begun,
I'm waiting for the sun.
The night has just begun,
I'm waiting for the sun.

Raining and Waiting

2008-01-05T00:40:00.000-08:00

It's raining, raining,
and I'm standing here,
I'm waiting for you to come, and hear.

The cold wind, on my face,
will call me gently, to the place...
I'll have to wait,
I'm not so ready.
To fall for grace, be warm and steady;
to fall for grace, be warm and steady.

I'm waiting here, I'm waiting here,
to stand alone, without a fear,
my God I trust to comfort me,
and I was lost and now I see.

The cold wind,
will call me gently.
I'll have to wait,
when I am ready,
to fall for grace, I will be steady;
to fall for grace, I will be steady.

Ethos

2008-01-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

mind ease,
let time erase,
my heart will fade.

God is good,
in his will,
in his strength,
in his wisdom...

There's a chance for grace,
there's time for change.
There's a child that sees,
across the line,
the ocean is vast,
the deserts are wide.

Wind blows on the pane tonight,
whistles to me a dear sigh.

Leave for light,
be kind,
rest is just,
all is right.

Kind eyes, small smiles,
frown franticly, but fear not, for these eyes,
are not your eyes, God's eyes- on you.

Let me wait, for the goodness of the Lord,
His loving-kindness rests in my heart,
it comforts, it delights, it hopes, and never fails.

Childlike, I seem to be,
His glory astounds me,
from the stars in the sky,
to the heavens,
to the earth,
I see his glory.

Tangent 4

2008-01-02T01:10:00.000-08:00

If conversations were living, small talk would be vestigial in sense that the weather is fine.
If the the sun did not shine, the moon would not be so bright.
If both of my hands had six fingers, there wouldn't be any extra.
If everyone told the truth, more people would be depressed.
If everyone believed in Jesus, we'd all be right.

Tangents, thoughts. Color, Light. Fire, Ice. Red, Green. Nice, bad. Thoughtful, thoughtless. Paper clip, paper. Peas, Pod. Sun, Light. Yellow, Blue.

Without light we could not see color. On the color wheel, red inversion of green, as is yellow with blue. Red is a symbolic color for love, which is nice, green is a symbolic color for envy and greed. What's thoughtful is nice, greed makes people thoughtless of others. Money is green and comes in paper form. Peas are green also, they come in a pod. Pods come from a plant which grows from light. Yellow and Blue.

Yawn

2008-01-02T00:33:00.000-08:00

I can imagine many things. I can imagine what is and what is to be. I can imagine days without heeding. I have fleeting thoughts about the days I've been given. I am surrounded by memories and noise. Distractions, contradictions, thoughts, and void. Perceptions of what should be and what is. In my mind I am.

Let's say thanks to the people we love. To the people who are more than we can ask, much more than we could ever dream of. We'll see the kind eyes of a familiar face. We're always lost in this life as a "race." Let's be kind to whom we hate the most. Be who we are in Christ.

I have shades of gray running through my eyes. It seems like memories fading, without lies. There are shades of blue where there should be yellow. The way I remember it, pink was lighter, but green seems nice. I see motion when I close my eyes, I can see sounds of former sights. When I close my eyes.

Where was I, three years ago, when the world changed. When was I a young boy, who ran through the neighborhood, when my speed was measured by wind on my face. I was fast, I was fast.

I miss some people that I love. I miss many faces, names, voices, and places. I miss their hearts.

I can feel the air in my lungs, a balloon of sorts. It's been designed by a Genius.

Yawn.

mind is moving time

2007-12-08T03:37:00.000-08:00

Lord let my mind ease from this dream that I've been dreaming,
I am awake in my life and yet I'm seeing her.
Of not a sad dreams that I have been dealt, of sweet dreams
of memories with her,
of memories of her.

Her smile that made me smile,
the words that she spoke that melted my heart,
the gestures of love that she drew from the start...
Oh Lord, make it stop. make it stop.

echo, o, echo
let it be known,
the nights are colder.

mind is moving time in my eyes,
past is present, in present coming into past.

It's too early to be late.

2007-11-25T05:07:00.001-08:00

Can't take back the things I said,
could never take back the things I did,
Expressions of love I've ever had,
I'm too worried that I'll fall lower than I had been.

In my time I could long for you,
in this time I just miss you.
I wish you would have said bye,
we could have said goodnight.
I am scared to talk to you,
last time I heard your voice it made me shiver,
the last time I read your words it made me cry.
I still haven't the slightest clue why I was hurt so bad,
and why I am.

Good morning to you,
I hope you have a great day,

It's too late to be early.
It's too early to be late.

2007-11-17T01:31:00.000-08:00

Incessant thoughts line up and make perceptions ease
through early morning, through breaking morning.
When a heart is cold and lost it's color,
a body shakes and shivers and falters.
Waves collide with rock, and delights in it's raining drops.
Mist will fill the air,
of a moonlit horizon.
Caught with lines of frozen colors of the beach.
We'll paint our dreams.

Bear

2007-11-12T01:47:00.000-08:00

The bear reigns in the woods, the trees beckon him to stay
The moon in twilight would sing to him, "please, please don't go away"
With a humble, noble huff, he replied, "I won't be gone for long, bye bye."

His paws dug deep, his claws were heavy
His eyes were solemn, his knees had become weak
He dug a burrow, in which time would keep

Him safe from the winter passing
He will fall into slumber
He will awake in spring

For the time being, he'll dream, dream, dream

...

2007-11-01T00:54:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid of this familiar feeling. It's tenderness, it creeps behind my thoughts. It's that smile that perceives a fondness to another. The interest in words adjunct with meaning and verse. It's the character of possibility. My attention is directed to an affable face.

Rain

2007-10-13T02:43:00.000-07:00

I found my headphones... what's so special about them is that they were a gift from my brother and sister. Headphones are so easy to lose. They are in-ear headphones made by Bose. I was previously upset with myself for losing them. I found them in my coat jacket.

I notice that rain has been pouring a bit. I feel that there's something special that God put in rain. When I was younger, I loved the rain. When it would rain, I would run out into it. There was a feeling of freedom and a sense of excitement. I would look straight up and open my mouth.

There's a sense of romance and loneliness in the rain. There is a saying "right as rain." For some reason, people see tears on people's faces in the rain. In some cultures, there is hope in the rain. Two years ago, there was devastation in this country partly caused by rain. There is hopelessness in the rain.

I realize, at this moment, the last time I ran in the rain was with a girl that I liked; whom I eventually loved. I miss that feeling, and I am afraid of it.

There's a sense of romance and loneliness in the rain.

Stu-stu-stutt-stutter

2007-10-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up really early in the morning today at around 5:40am because I had a dream that everyone was stuttering.

I just don't know if it was hilarious or a nightmare.

God Loan Some Fuel for Fire

2007-09-30T04:46:00.000-07:00

I pray that my Lord Jesus might inspire me. To light me on fire.

I am afraid sometimes of straying away and having a stagnant faith... again. I feel that I am not doing anything for His kingdom... it seems sometimes that nothing will suffice.

To understand that I am baptized in His death and resurrection, there should be a new life within me.

There is a sense of frustration that I feel, I contradict myself with some outwardly actions.

Right now, I need to rest. Right now I need to pray.

Most waste of a day...

2007-09-30T03:54:00.000-07:00

I was late for work yesterday. Scheduled for nine in the morning, I woke up at around ten: twenty four. Before finding out I was late, I opened my eyes in a daze, the kind of daze when it feels as if you've woken up "just right." First thing I did, while putting on my work pants: called work. I was able to speak with my supervisor and told him, "Sorry I'm late, my alarm didn't go off and I wasn't able to call till now because I was asleep!" He laughed and said okay. I arrived at work at 11am, a thirty minute drive.

Work went by slowly.

I am home now and awake. I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I've been looking into different bible software that I can use on my computer. (I may be writing a review later on.) I've been thinking about a bullet proof design for a blog that can easily be customizable by almost anyone. Hopefully things work out right. I'll be designing it for blogger and hopefully I'll be able to port it to a different platform later on.

I am just thinking too much.

I've decided to re-do my whole iPod Playlist. A couple months ago I made "Smart Playlists" that made me listen to songs that I wanted to listen to... I'll be doing the same thing except with songs that I haven't listened to in a while, of coarse, I also have to make a playlist for different moods... for example: The Sad List, The Smile List, The Romantic List, The Bad List, The Loud List... etc.

By the way, I will not be naming my playlists in this fashion... I'll be using numbers before the actual name because the iPod Video arranges playlists alphanumerically starting with digits.

A few hours ago, I was taking a photograph of the moon and the mirror on the camera would not go back in it's place. (Canon AE1-Program) I was scared for a bit because I don't want to purchase another camera because I like this camera(and my other one) lots. Eventually, playing around with the camera a bit... yielded it to fix itself. I was happy.

I feel as if I have wasted this day.
I don't remember reading in Ecclesiastes: "A time to do nothing."

Egh.

Sometimes, In December, and Prayer

2007-09-24T03:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think to myself, "I better get my head together, get my mind fixed, have that focus of which will let my eyes see the truth." Sometimes, I think to myself, "I have no time, how will I make time?" Sometimes I just think too much.

I intend to go to New Orleans this December to help out with what I can (gutting homes or building some). When I asked my parents for permission, they did not even take it as permission. My mom advised me to just schedule those days off and take care of my finances; my father agreed with her. I just need to make money... spend my time wisely.

I miss her dearly. I've gone through days thinking of how much she hates me. I can't blame her for misinterpreting some things. Maybe later on in our lifetime, she'll forgive me. Maybe later on there will be room for change. Maybe someday, she'll be able to talk to me without hurting me. Maybe someday, I don't know.

There are many things on my mind and just a few of them I pray about. I'll pray, and these things, like everything, is up to God.

Scrolls and Burgers

2007-09-23T01:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, not long ago, I joined my church group in touring the San Diego Natural History Museum. We were there to see the Dead Sea Scrolls. The trip was awesome. Upon arriving, I was immediately excited to see the scrolls, it seemed a bit funny that a natural history museum would showcase such a thing(natural history museums full on support evolution).

At the beggining of the tour, which started on the second floor, you do not see any scrolls. The museum gives you a background of the regional topography and culture that theoretically created and stored these scrolls in the Dead Sea. Which starts at Khirbet Qumran. Interestingly enough, there are many theories about what this fortified structure was definitely used for.

The second part of the tour brings you to the lower level where you actually get to see the scrolls with an accompanying handset to guide you. I brought my bible which is a "New American Standard Version." One thing that I was able to do that I really wanted to do was actually compare a modern copy of scripture with the old translated scripture from one of the scroll fragments. Needless to say, I was very impressed with the translation in itself. It was almost word-for-word the same exact verses. It gave me chills.

After seeing the scrolls, Marc and Eric successfully navigated and got us to this place called the Boomerang. It is a burger place. There were about forty of us who came, most of us ordered burgers which were good.

It was a good day.

The talk, the smile, the words, the goodbye.

2007-09-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

The past Monday, I said "goodbye" to a dear friend. Who's helped me through tough times and has been a true friend in Christ. I feel regret in this... because we'll always be friends, we'll just grow apart.

Month 7

2007-09-16T03:13:00.000-07:00

I can say that I can attest that
I didn't deserve you.

I can say that I don't regret
I didn't deserve you.

But you don't know this
you don't know this
you left and I was a mess and
I will never forget you.

I'm sorry that I
am sorry that I am like this.
I'm sorry that I
am sorry I said and
did the things I did.

I'm sorry that I am sorry I said that you were selfish.

No regrets, no regrets
that's what you said.

Meeting you was one in a million.
God is kind, but I was blind.
I was blind.

Now I am not sad nor am happy
I'm preoccupied with time
and and my mind.

I really do
I do miss you.
I hope you're doing well.

I am sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to be.
Good night.

Walled up

2007-09-04T03:30:00.000-07:00

I sometimes imagine my heart walled up. Sometimes it's necessary, sometimes it's unnecessary. Because I know that I'm vulnerable to many things, I know I am vulnerable to emotion.

Right now, I should just sleep.

Untitled

2007-09-02T02:40:00.000-07:00

O mind,
my memory,
confined me to my little place

O God,
let my mind be free,
from my selfish ways,
and let it serve thee.

O heart,
my emotions,
had led me a fool

O God,
my heart is yours,
you know it better than I could ever,
please help my heart and give it hope forever.

If a song were monotonous

2007-08-23T00:51:00.000-07:00

This evening I was strangely drawn to an album I bought around a year ago. Moonpix is an album by Chan Marshall known by her stage name Cat Power. The album itself is a solid piece of work, from start to finish, the songs have their own individual feel and effect.

Two songs from this album, however, stood out to me. Tracks: 2 "He turns down," and 8 "You may know Him." Track 2 starts out with a guitar with the sounds that lift seemed to lift me up and down. Soon enough, you can hear her sing these lyrics:

Have you ever seen the face
You know the one I'm talking about
Have you ever been to that place
You know I'm not supposed to say

Have you ever seen the face
You know the one I'm talking about
Have you ever been to that place
You know the one I'm not supposed to say

Holding on for something
Have you ever held on?
Holding on for someone
Feels like holding on too long
Have you ever held on?

It's not me I am pretending
I'm not saved he turned me down
He turns down

It is so nice to meet you
Who's gonna look at for you
It's not me, I am pretending
I'm not saved he turned me down
He turns down

Have you ever seen the face
You know the one I'm talking about
Have you ever been to that place
You know the one I'm not supposed to say

Holding on for something
Have you ever held on?
Holding on for someone
Feels like holding on too long
Have you ever held on?

It's not me I am pretending
I'm not saved he turned me down
He turns down

I've summarized the song into the despair of losing faith. Even in the face of other people, one can lie about their hope, their faith. In the end of the song, all hope is lost and her lyrics imply that God turns down. I remember feeling like this at one moment in my life.

In the latter song, "You may know Him," there seems to be a , almost an uplifting song it dwells on "Him," she doesn't say his name... but I do know him.

Oh Lord heaven is the name that you sent me
Oh Lord heaven is the name that you gave him
And then he came to life and he lived
All others strange because who could of thought
That you meant so much to me

Oh Lord heaven is the name that you gave him
Surprised by the rise in sin you came through over and over again
Lord heaven is the place that you sent him

And you may know him
And you may know him only you
Lord i've never doubted for an instant
If we did what you say
And we do it everyday
If we did what you say
And we do it everyday

Lord if heaven is the place he believed in it's all you can do
Oh Lord heaven is the name that you sent me
Oh Lord surprised by the rise in sin you came through
You came through

I feel that my interest in this album now is a strange message to me to look at my life. To see what is going on with my life. How things have changed, how events have affected me and changed me. I know right now that my hope and faith are intact... I hope to make stronger. At the end of this evening for me, all I can say is, "Thank God."

Elate

2007-08-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, I find myself smiling, or even having a laugh. The moments when my mind gets distracted gives me a chance to be elated. When I am not distracted, memories and emotions fill my mind and sometimes I cry, involuntarily.

Lately, job hunting has been daunting and hopeless. In addition, I've also gotten dismissed from my former college, to which my action- I filled out a petition for admission. I spent an hour in the park yesterday. I laid on the grass and thought about where I am in life. I covered my face with my hands and I prayed. A few minutes before leaving the park, a large branch off a tree fell to the ground. It was about 125 feet away from me. The tree I was near to, did not drop a branch on me. I wish it had.

The Mind is Deceitful.

2007-07-27T03:33:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I sit on my bed with my feet on the ground, staring into nothing, pitch black darkness. My eyes deprived of light and my ears almost sensing the absence of sound. My mind clears for moments at a time, then memories, thoughts, and emotions spur. What light not physically manifested is manifested in my mind. I see the outlines and shapes of each event, each memory... the sounds emerge as the voices I remember, and my voice in thought.

All the while I was sitting in darkness.

Revolve.

2007-07-27T03:09:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was young, in preparatory, I sat in class one day and felt the Earth revolving. I could feel east and west, the shift of the Earth.

It does not seem possible to feel the Earth revolve, and yet, I have felt it move beneath me.

I remember looking out the window and seeing clouds move against the Earth and they seemed to stay in place as I felt the ground shift in the opposite direction.

Every Year is Different.

2007-07-25T02:53:00.000-07:00

I was going through and deleting old RSS feeds from my bookmarks when I came across this in my old MySpace Blog:

May 25, 1987

Today was a good day, I woke up this morning and I was late to school after that I slaked off my graphic design and desktop publishing class. Right now I am taking in the silence. I am a year older than I was some hours ago, now I realize what it is to grow up. Only you can choose to leave behind thoughts and emotions that you once had or knew about. You compare the way you looked at things when you were younger and try to grasp what is left from the pieces of idealism that were left in your heart and put it into your brain so that you could try to use it as much as you can. You change with the world and you see more of yourself facing it.
Sometimes I look at the palms of my hands to see, or even just to check, if my destiny will change right before my eyes. It never does, the lines are where they were even before I was aware that lines existed.

The Mind Breathes

2007-07-25T01:35:00.000-07:00

I imagine my mind breathing, inhaling this air of information... these ideas rummage through my mind and thoughts emerge. Aural, visual, and all other stimuli seem vestigial without truth.

What is air to a body without oxygen, what is information to the mind without truth?

In faith, the truth is not subjective, the truth is written and is concise. The word of God is pure oxygen. Everyday we breath in polluted air, instead of seeing God's glory, we see the works of man. When we listen, we hear of the wisdom of man. Our distractions are man's creations. Our distractions are killing our minds.

The truth that I seek is the one true God, the God of Jacob, the one who delivered His people from the Egypt, who has a son that lives within me... through his son, I am saved; that is the truth.

Falling out of hope.

2007-07-24T01:31:00.000-07:00

I've been hoping, and praying for God's will to be shown to me. I've tried myself to be patient and believe that this hurt will steer away from me by his will. I feel despair as a shadow that follows me as I walk towards the light. In the back of my mind, I know there is doubt, yet I am not sure if I act on it willfully or not.

I still hurt enough to cry. These stochastic memories that afflict me do not go away, they won't recede to the back of my mind.

I'm falling out of hope right now, because of my pain- it shakes my faith, and I can't remind myself of God's love. I still pray, because I know He does not leave me.

If you are reading this... my former love, don't seek to console me but pray for me.

Into

2007-07-08T03:52:00.000-07:00

There is a familiar feeling, a feeling I have wrote of before:

"Into"
February 22, 2006
Into the cold shadow,

Fairly parted clouds could not hold me to the sun.

At the glimpse of it, it seemed irrelevant, somehow sarcastic and shallow

I could not feel it's warmth

Dark blue outlines trace the way I should seem to be moving, standing by me never leaving

Keeps me awake, I cannot see it, it keeps me awake.

I confront that darkness that pursued me, faced a wall, seemed to look right at me

points at me, I cast it myself. it was my reason.

It still trails me, at my feet, I dare not stop.

I dare not stop. God help me.

A Question of Living.

2007-07-08T03:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I ask God why am I still living. Everyday, I have been awaking from sleep. The days when I am out, I am not harmed. It's as if I were living for a purpose. Right now I feel so cold. I have been living in this weather for months... If I am living in "now" why am I living? Why am I living with pain and fear?

Its these stochastic memories that kill me. When I close my eyes and see her smile, when we first met in the store, when we were running in the rain, we were sitting in the cold and I felt warm, when everything around me would just be a blur and all there was... was her.

I cant help my heart when my memories are of her. I had done much for her in that former relationship except change who I was... who I was, I am almost forgetting.

The Surface of Inevitability.

2007-07-06T03:33:00.001-07:00

What is now? Now is inevitable, it is the minuscule of detail, all the moments of our life that adds up to now. What is bound to happen, will happen, and throughout now is done by choice. Each day we make these small choices of now. What we eat, what we wear, what we do.

What now is just the surface of inevitability. This is all we see, just the surface, the facade of now. It's like reading just a sentence in a book and not knowing the outcome that is intended.

What God's plan is for us is inevitability. God knows the hearts and minds of everyman. In sense, free will is knowing we can go our way without God.

This is an unfinished thought.

The logic of cold

2007-07-04T02:42:00.000-07:00

Loss, the negative, the void, the null... is the logic of cold. Temperature is not a concept, it is not a physical, touchable object. We cannot see temperature with our bare eyes nor touch it, yet we are capable to deduce logic on what temperature is. Hot, warm, or cold, the concise answers we face everyday, both in our cognitive and our subliminal thoughts. Our bodies react to this, a change of temperature.

Cold can not be added, it cannot be subject to dissipation nor can it be destroyed or forgotten. Cold is null, it is negative. Cold cannot be added, or multiplied to an extent, cold is cold... it is monotonous, it is all the same. Cold is actually defined as the absence of heat. Without heat, cold exists, heat however can exist in itself. Heat can be added infinitely and multiplied to a magnitude. Heat can be light, in that light also gives heat.

When I think about the cold I imagine the loss of spirit. How a person could lose such a thing is not meaningfully explained by one occurrence, in this we cannot even fathom to the greatest extent of why such an event would happen in our lives. In this loss of spirit, cold overwhelms. It is the hopelessness of life, the doubts, the unwillingness to look forward to... everything.

People do not realize they are cold until they have experienced the warmth, the heat, the fire. What good that has come into people's lives and is taken away, when it is far away, there's a shadow of what had been there. Its those little lights of comfort, these small sources of heat, that give us an opportunity to love, to feel.

I did not realize how cold I was in the past, if I had not come close to God. I would not have realized how cold I am now if she had not come into my life. Jesus, shine your light upon my life... place your hand on my heart and give me warmth.

A body lives even with heartbreak

2007-06-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

I am just hurt. Throughout April, there was not one night, not one day, that I did not cry, through May, there was not one moment when I didn't think about breaking out in tears, eventually crying in the car, at work, buying film. Through all this pain I've just been praying. I can't look back at what good there was in the past without thinking about what I had done when it was over. Just seems like every time God allows me to love, I got hurt. I don't blame him, I never did. At times, I can't even go to him. The past month has just been a mess, I'm just trying to keep what's left of me together. I feel like what's left of me is just dust.

A large part of me was decimated that night, and the third day after. I don't blame her. I have forgiven her in my heart. I just hurt. I believe that God will console me, I just don't know when. If I see her again, I'll be swept by the wind. I'll be scattered to a multitude on the ground. My heart just breaks continually now. I cannot regret what had already been done, I regret now. The moments when I break.

She best not speak to me, if she expects to console me. If her intent is to hurt me, it would be all the same.

The last time my heart was broken, it did not hurt this much... makes me not want to love.

That's what I had done, I had loved her unconditionally. I did not realize at the time, I had loved her as in Corinthians 1:4 - 7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

When it was over, all this was still intact. Verse 5, I became a fool, I became her folly. I was expecting her to do what she had promised. A continuance of friendship. I realize now that I can't even ask for that. I sought this from her, that was not love. I acted unbecomingly, that was not love. I took into account what "wrong," she had done to me-this was not love anymore. This was a foolish heart. In the end, I could not trust that she did not seek to hurt me. My love for her could not stand because my heart was breaking. Any love I feel cannot stand because my heart is breaking. I was doing these things out of love, but not of love. The actions were like the leftovers, the entrails that were falling out of my heart.

I am fortunate enough knowing she never loved me. All the labors of my heart mean nothing in time. What promises I made then was nothing. What my mouth spoke to her was wind. I was fooled by myself. Whatever haughty idealistic thoughts I had about love are broken. God's love is perfect. It is the love I now seek to have. I cannot contain his love. I want a new heart to do away with what we had broken. I don't know when this heart is done with. I've lost hope in love.

Even in this, I feel as if God does not want me to hide in the shadows. I'll be recluse and mistaken there, where his light shines, I wish to be.

A website.

2007-05-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

I've decided to re-open a new website with an actual art gallery! I'm still thinking about a lot of things, but for now, I've got to get back to work.

Overtime

2007-05-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

I've done overtime before, with school, with art, and with work. It's weird how sometimes, when you do overtime, it doesn't seem like it's worth it. It doesn't seem like it's worth the effort, you just feel like your obligated to be there and somewhat a slave to the consequence of you not being there could seriously hurt you. Have you ever felt that way? Last night was exactly that, I got in at 8:30am- got out at 8:33pm, it's not a 13 hour shift or what-not, but what I was doing was seriously draining. When I finally got home at around 9:20pm, I was tired; I ate dinner then went to bed.

On another note, last night I felt lonely, just like before I met her. It made me sad. Anyway, I have Psalm 40 waiting for me later. I hope and I pray that this weekend will be better.

Beef and Beans...

2007-05-10T14:47:00.000-07:00

Last night, interestingly enough, we had beef and beans! It's weird to me because one would usually associate pork with beans... anyway...

I'm sitting here and it's lunchtime once more. I am bored. Last night Psalm 39 found my interest, however, I've already talked about that. Umm... Feels like it's going to be a very uneventful end of the week. Maybe I'll just finish up some mother's day gifts. :-)

Honey Bunches, Oreos, and Milk

2007-05-09T23:42:00.000-07:00

Sitting here and eating... essentially breakfast. You can't spell milk without an "I," neither can you spill it without having it. I don't have a point to that, just so you know.

Today was a bit boring, I wore what I wore to prom, and Sunday's worship because my boss wanted us to dress "professional." Why? Special occasion, one of our big customers that is a franchise for pizza, which resides in california, they also have a kitchen- well, they came to visit the facility. The place was pretty clean and was something to be proud of. We're normally working on a bunch of jobs so we don't really have time to re-paint walls, decorate rooms, put pictures up, organize drawers, or take off the dirt on the door. No, we work, we are fast paced, we get the job done!

Stupid thing I've done today is eat soup for lunch. It was pretty hot today. Eating/drinking soup didn't help. Actually, it's been so hot lately that on Tuesday, I drank over 12 bottles of water throughout the day... I was peeing... almost hourly, I didn't even need to look at a clock.

Last night and tonight was about Psalm 39. I was studying this, it is about David's devotion not to sin. He watches himself with conviction, he is so faithful he says, "Lest I sin with my tongue; I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle, While the wicked are before me."

He also wanted God to show him his mortality, he aknowledges that everyman is but a mere breath, that all that these men strive for is nothing. That every man who works for investment on earthly things, will reap nothing. David waits for God's grace, his hope is in him.

In the Psalms, I noticed that David pleads much for God's grace and mercy. His sin tears him to the flesh, to his heart. As much as his sin burdens him, he still prays to the Lord for forgiveness. For his hope and love lies in heaven.

Have you ever gotten robbed?

2007-05-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, I did! I woke up early feeling really good, got ready for church, put on what I wore to CCF Prom night... sans the tie. It was a good morning. Drove to church, parked the car behind the dentist's office... Went to church, the pastor talked about the importance of the growth of the church, most of all the importance of the growth of the people within it. Went briefly through Ezra, and a little Philippians... after church, I met my former girlfriend's parents. Greeted them and had a brief conversation... I was feeling good!

Now, I'm walking back to where I parked. I notice shattered glass and the appearance of my car, with broken glass where the window should be. I wasn't surprised, nor was I angry! I felt good still! Now, I'm thinking, well, at least he didn't take my bible (I had my NASB study Bible on the passenger side chair), which made sense... the person probably wasn't Christian, which made me smile a bit, I didn't lose humor. I immediately knew what they took, my MP3 Player, my Zune. So I call my brother, tell him what had happened, I then called the Police.

Now, I was standing right next to the car... people were looking for parking spaces, and when they would pass me they would ask, "hey, is that your car?" I would think to myself, "no, I just like to stand next to vehicles with broken windows," but I would reply, "Yes, (smiling) something was stolen from my car." The nice lady that parked next to my spot told me that a couple years back, her car too was broken into. Later, a police man arrived and took a report. While we were doing this, a black truck pulls up and the driver says, "my daughter's purse is missing." The Policeman asked, "did you leave your doors unlocked?" He said no. Apparently, I wasn't the only one robbed from that day.

After taking the report number, I was on my way, went to a gas station to vacuum the shards of glass. Got home and wondered what to do next. Where to get my window fixed. Auto glass places are usually closed on Sundays so there was no "luck" getting a quote from anyone. So I parked the car into the garage and my brother and I left to go to Best Buy, to purchase a GPS unit to get to the Hillsong concert in Newport Beach!

Unfortunately, we were unable to attend due to the volume of people that showed up. We had to leave because my brother's good friend could not make it if we went to the second worship that would end at around 8-9pm (we think). So they decided to just go and watch Spiderman 3... and I watched Spiderman 3 for the second time then!

Here is what is amazing. A few days before, I was reading Psalm 35-36... and Sunday I read Psalm 37. Psalm 37 is essentially how David reacted to the sin that was against him.

Psalm 37 "¹Do not fret because of evildoers, Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity... ³Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. ⁴Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart... ⁸Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret- it only causes harm."

I woke up and tried to end this.

2007-05-06T01:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I woke up and I felt hurt. I was emotionally in tangles with my thoughts, my heart broke and dropped on the ground. I felt like sparrows would come to pick on it so I prayed. I gathered many memories and literally placed them in a bag. Everything I could find immediately was put in this. After less than five months, I've accrued many memories of hapiness with her... I didn't want be reminded of these and I wanted to destroy, atleast, most of them. I decided that morning that the heartbreak will stop and I could finally move on with my life.

It would have been unfair of me to purge these memories when they did not only belong to me, but my former girlfriend. So I decided to give her what I had in the bag, she could take what she wanted to keep, and return what she didn't want. I told her my purpose in this, that I would destroy what was left (Firepit at Huntington Beach). I told her many things that she didn't deserve, many things that I didn't mean. I wanted to justify to myself why I was doing what I was doing. Three weeks ago, she asked for friendship, which I would gladly have given... but there was nothing. She did not talk to me. It hurt me, I felt like she was letting me go... pushing me away. She was. A week came past, and I confronted her, and gave her a second chance at that friendship... still nothing. I waited a week of nothing. I bore a hole in my heart. Filling it with God's grace at the same time slowly letting it out through the same hole.

That morning, I felt strong, I felt it was the right thing to do for myself. Myself... I hurt so much through this and I was tired of that feeling. I felt like she let me down. I felt like I didn't matter in her life and I felt like she lied to me when she said she cared, when she said that she wanted to know how I was doing. I distanced my heart from her, praying for strength and singing praises to help me. I worked hard throughout the weeks so I wouldn't think of her. Still in my mind, she just didn't care. In my mind, I can recall only a few times when she actually showed this fact to me... I felt like my love was just being taken for granted. I sincerely do want to be friends with her, because I care about her, and she said she still wants to be a part of my life... so her sacrifice is mine. Apparently the heart beats... it beats love, care, joy, passion, so many emotions... even anger. I was angry at myself that I let her trample all over my heart by not being there. I was angry at myself that I would remind myself of those happy memories, those instances I loved her the most... It would be sweet memories that hid it's sharp knife at the end. I would cry at such memories... of dancing with her, laughing with her, our deep conversations... or just even her smile. Those sweet memories, had to be burned or cut down, just like a forest, so that new memories over time may be planted.

So I came, I called her in the morning, she was sleeping, I called again... she spoke. Later on, I was there. I did it... I did not want to feel her sorrow. I was throwing her out of my life. She asked for another chance... I... did not want to give her another chance.

I couldn't.
I promised her I wouldn't. I keep my promises to those who I hold so close in my heart. I came back to her... with my pride down... I love and care about her... in this, I begged her not to let me down again. With all that I have, I kneeled... and asked her not to let me down. I... I... never want to do her wrong. Later I left, not hoping for anything because she has let me down before. The third chance... when she never, ever even gave me a second chance.

I've forgiven her for everything. I told her later that she could give the back pack to her best friend (who's been real great for both of us), once she was done keeping some memories.

I watched Spiderman 3 a few hours afterward... I feel like I have done the right thing in forgiving her and giving her another chance for my friendship.

Upon arriving home my mother mentioned that she had dropped something in front of our house. On the doorstep. It was the bag. A note. It said that she had kept everything except the two books her family gave me, which was a gift from them and not of hers. She also asked not to involve our friend in this. I felt like I had done wrong. In trying to gather everything I could that reminded me of her, I included her family. I felt like I had put our friend in the middle... although she offered to keep those memories for me before... it was not right to accept the offer. So I called her house to apologize, there was no answer... I called again and left a message... I apologized. I called Liz, I apologized.

She told me that I didn't need to apologize to her, but to J. I was horrified. I did not want to hurt her. I rushed to J's house. No one was there. I knocked and I cried, I did not know what was going on. I don't want her to cry. I sat in front of her house and cried. I asked Liz to please tell me what was going on, and that I was at her house and no one was there. So Liz came to talk to me. I explained my hurt, she explained J's. I tried my hardest not to cry... I still did.

A few minutes later the whole family was back. Her father, mother, and sisters... I greeted them, I was ashamed, I feel like I don't deserve their daughter, for hurting her. I've always wanted to treat her good, today was horrible. They gave us privacy.

Finally, J and I talked. We finally talked as friends. I didn't know where to begin. But we talked, it was refresing! I went back and fourth through the past to try and update her... some of it was terrible, but honest.

I feel graced by God... and finally I am truly moving on. A friendship with her is better than not having her in my life at all.

By the way... Psalm 35! Another WOW for tonight! A prayer that sin may die before you at the mercy of God. We need to kill sin before it takes over us and over our decisions in life. When sin rules, it will affect all your relationships with the people around you, and moreover, the ones you love. I know that for a fact.

God my Lord is good! I am so happy!

Changed Clothes.

2007-05-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

I just changed clothes... and everyone is asking me where I'm going... I reply, "I'm going to this thing!..."

Kinda embarrassing. I don't like dressing up... its uncomfortable.

Today is... yeah

2007-05-04T14:26:00.000-07:00

I'm real happy that today is Friday, finally the end of the week! Later this evening, I will be attending the CCF (Campus Crusade for Christ) Prom. I don't really know where it will be but I'm picking up one of my friends and she'll just have to point it out. Before the prom thing, we'll be eating and meeting up with some other people at Red Robin somewhere in Tustin, maybe we'll all just carpool... so I wouldn't have to drive, or we could just take my car... yeah.

Anywho... I'm already dressed up halfway here at work, I'm wearing my leather shoes and slacks... after lunch (which is what I'm doing right now), I'm getting dressed. Now with my new knot skills, I'll be able to Knot my tie in no time... like 30 minutes.

Hopefully, pictures later.

Tomorrow, I may be working real early in the morning at around 6am. Then later in the morning at 10am I will be having brunch (Breakfast + Lunch = Br-unch) with my family! Then in the afternoon, we'll be planning to watch Spiderman 3! Yay!

A tie.

2007-05-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

I asked my brother earlier, how to knot a tie. I was never tought how to do this before. I've asked before and my brother would reply, "here, let me do it for you." On most occasions where I remember that I needed to wear a tie, it wasn't me who was doing the knot, it would be my brother, father, or some other random person... even my sister. On one of those occasions, Valentines Day of this year, I actually wore the same knot (preserved) since sometime last year. I've been kinda embarrased about this, but you got to do what you have to do; right?

Today was different though. I thought to myself, just ask him again. I asked and he showed me. I know there are other different ways of making the knot, some call it style, I frankly don't get it. Now I know how to make that knot, I am really happy that my brother showed me this... I'll learn a few more knots along the way, but this one, I'm sure I know I'm going to show my son... when I have one.

Today, I finally got to buy the Bible I've been wanting for about a week and a half now! The New American Standard Bible (Study Bible)! Last Sunday, I was trying to procure this common Book... apparently most Christian bookstores are closed around five... temporarily, I think. So I went around and went to two churches. The first one I went to was the Calvary Chapel near my house, the second one was EvFree Fullerton.

So I go to the first church, I realize from my car that the store was closed. I was well determined, so I decided to go on to the next... but I noticed that there were these kids unloading a trailer. Apparently they were setting up a skatepark in the parkinglot of the church. It looked like they were having a hard time so I decided to help. I lifted things with all my strength and without complaint. I didn't know I could lift such things as ramps... maybe I could lift the trailer, or the truck, or the car... yes the car. All I lifted were ramps unfortunately. After helping them move around stuff, I left without introducing myself. Monday came and my whole back was sore.

I then proceeded to EvFree Fullerton, I noticed that the car in front of me looked very familiar. I then recognized the head of the driver! It was Nate, my former girlfriend's-sister's boyfriend! I then thought to myself that he was headed in the same direction. He was. So I decided to park near his car and greet him. I didn't know this until I shut my engine off, but, right in front of where I parked was Sarah, my former girlfriend's sister, which made sense because he was there to meet her because they had a meeting of some sort. So I greeted them, it felt awkward a bit because I wasn't expecting this... I didn't want it to seem like I was following them... that would just be creepy. After this, they went their way and I went mine. Before I could even reach the door to the library of the church, I noticed the closed sign. I was a bit disappointed and I only Googled one place near that had a Christian bookstore, and no other bookstore came up in mind.

So I left the church paking lot.

I started driving. I just drove. I was looking around and I felt sad. I was driving to Memories. Memories is this swing dancing place where my former girlfriend and I took swing dancing lessons. I was distracted... so I missed the turn. I got lost in uptown Whittier and I was crying. I've never driven up there without her. Somehow I made a few right turns and ended up at a familiar street and... there it was. I parked the car. I started remembering those days when we would hold hands and climb up the stairs. I was alone. I was praying to God to give me strength. I slowly climbed up, with each step I could hear my heart. I was happy and sad... I finally got up the stairs and looked at the dance floor. There was no class yet. I hid myself between the posts, and saw us together. By this time my vision was limited, I was crying profusely. In a sense I was tormenting myself, in another sense I was happy.

I am happy that I made her smile, that I would make her laugh. That I could just be there for her when she needed me, or be there for her just to dance. I am happy that I was her hand to hold, her friend to hug. I was happy that we could talk about things seriously and that she could share her problems with me. I am happy for so many things about her. She made me happy... and sad. I am happy that God blessed me with her. I am just.

It started in a store.

I'm... I don't know.

2007-05-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

I pray that things will change. I'm lifted, my heart is not as heavy as it used to be. Right now, it feels like I have dead weights tied to my chest.

What is the price for the biggest sacrifice in your life? With me, it was never really a choice. I do still love her, cherish her, and care about her... I just have to keep strong in God's will. He has guided me throughout this and I couldn't feel more comforted.

In this, its just...

2007-05-01T23:40:00.000-07:00

I really have nothing to talk about. At times like this, I wish I had somebody to talk to... maybe spend sometime in awkward silence.

In sense sometimes, when you have nothing to say, you say what you think... sometimes what you think is not well thought. Bad ideas come from people who don't think; likewise, good ideas come from people who think of what they thought of. In that, if somebody says, "sorry, I wasn't thinking," you can reply: "you are glib."

Working for the weekend

2007-05-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

Right now I am eating lunch while typing, meaning I have both hands on this keyboard and I am shoving my face right into this food... people tell me that I am good at multi-tasking. Anyway, this week I kinda feel like I'm working for the weekend. Excited about Friday because of: 1 Spiderman 3, and 2 CCF (Campus Crusade Fullerton/Campus Crusade Metro) Prom Night, of coarse I will not have a date; I'll be there and actually try to make friends with fellow Christians. Saturday, nothing really is happening on Saturday, unless something comes up... ? Skip to next week, Sunday, church in the morning, singing praises in the afternoon at the Hillsong Concert in Newport Beach!!! So, hopefully, everything goes well!

Patience

2007-04-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like I miss her... but I don't. It's hard to explain right now. My mind constantly thinks of things, of places, of people... of her, of us. After last night(I made a covenant with God), it does not hurt, instead of hurt, I feel... calm... not apathy. So, I am sitting here, just trying to figure out how this works.

I am waiting... and I see.
"I would have lost heart.¹ unless I had believed
That I would see goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!" -Psalm 27:13 to 27:14

I have never cried so much in my life than in the past month... and I come to this passage, it brings so much comfort. So I thank Him, and give Him praise!

(¹My NKJV has this italicized. In NIV it says "I believe" with caption saying "¹Other Hebrew Manuscripts: Oh! Had I not Believed")

And some of those moments were in a light drawings.

2007-04-30T19:41:00.001-07:00

We were happy, together. Sometimes I think of her, and how we used to be. What I looked forward to at the end of the week was to see her. I just wanted to be there for her. When she would ask me why I would do something for her, I would reply, "because you are worth it." She is. I have no resolution on our relationship at the moment. We are just, nothing. Before, we had something, now all we have are pictures together. Everytime I see these, it seems so amazing. It was good. I have God to thank for that. Thank you God. I've been keeping myself away from these pictures. I miss those moments.

So today is good. I was at work, doing work. During lunch, Psalm 25:16 to 25:21, reminded me of how I called to God to help me, to forgive me for my sins, and to keep me from sin.

Monday Monday

2007-04-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

For the past year, a lot has been changing in my life... From having a girlfriend, to losing her, to being closer to God, from quitting my job at OfficeMax ImPress, to getting a better job at World Trade Printing. It sounds simple enough, but its been a struggle because life is moving so fast for me right now... I feel like I need time to breath. These experiences have enriched my life, and I thank God for that.

Upon losing my girlfriend and being heartbroken, I turned to God. I saw myself for who I was, and now I see who I want to become. Keeping everything that is good in me and giving up my heart to the Lord, and burning the bad parts of me.

I love her still right now. The only difference of then and now is, it doesn't hurt as much. I've given up my heart to the Lord, so he may use it. I have faith in the Lord, now, without question. I have made my covenant with God.

This heart is full.

Blogging again?

2007-04-26T23:17:00.001-07:00

Well, here I am, I am 19 years old at the moment... next month I'll be 20. Its crazy knowing this. I haven't posted in this blog for about 2 years.

Valentines Day

2005-02-14T04:32:00.000-08:00

I have now Officially moved this blog. Ive had pretty good experiences with Blogger and with their new comment feutures it almost stupid to let go now. Anyways I am now currently using Wordpress to power my new blog. Its been going on pretty well with that too, using a nightly buid and all.

Well then. Alrighty bloggers, I will see you around.

http://www.87rounds.com/

Go Go Power Rangers!

2005-02-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well, in my younger years, I used to watch the Power Rangers. A super stereotypical show for kids. I say this because it is color coordinated racism, I know they mean well but making the black ranger a black person, the yellow ranger a chinese person, and the white ranger a white person; well we really got something here for the kids.

I thought they were cool. Over eight years later, I watch it again. I woke up this morning, turned on the computer and started to work. I turned on the TV and swiched the channels a bit, and there it was, the Power Rangers. It was an episode whre the black ranger had a problem with his confidence as a ranger, so the old black ranger helps him out and stuff. It was corny with bad acting. After developing a Mambo template for a school project and doing some mock ups for another project. Then I went to school.

Busy like a freakin bee

2005-02-08T01:40:00.000-08:00

Well, Im now active again. I am buiding two websites and illustrating something. Anyways, last saturday I went to my first day of the Ryman Arts in the morning session because I had to be at a meet the artist thing in Corona Del Mar at Roger's Garden. I was the artist.

So I go into My first day at Ryman for the second semester and I get to sit in with a diffrent teacher for just this one day. He taught pretty good. I liked the way he challenged the students to interact with him. Well, the thing is, it was the first day and the teacher braught in a nude model. I found this very suprising, his teaching methods are really uncommon. I thought the nude model was pretty hot. Haha, what the heck am I saying, of coarse she was!

Well, Check out these links:

Well, that's pretty much it for now. Have a great week.

MSN changed

2005-02-04T03:03:00.001-08:00

Oh man, MSN. MSN finally swithched to DIVs instead of TABLEs, still not valid XHTML 1.0, still no XML feeds for the news, and lastly, their page looks crappy right now, almost no particular styling and really cluttered. Well, atleast that was a start, tehy gotta catch up with Yahoo and stuff. Haha, technology leader my ass.

Where the F___ am I?

2005-02-04T03:03:00.000-08:00

Actually, F___ing nowhere, I havent been sleeping right the past few weeks. Its been rediculous. Like right now I am awake, 2:48am, and am going to build my website and the school cafeteria website. Learning PHP 5 and getting hooked on Coke(Coca Cola) caffiene.

Anyways, damnit, Ive been losing myself the past year. Ive been almost tricking people that I am better than I am. Right now, I feel like I am in a bad transition. Its like Im in that stage when your really bad habits come back to visit. Im just trying my best to get through this one. I am trying to take my responsibilities more seriously. But right now, my mind is just thinking faster that I can really type and its helping me think of some design stuff.

The other day I slept at around 5:00pm and woke up yesterday at exactly 6:12am. I saw my sister and asked her where she was going; she told me she was going to work. So, me thinking that it is still in the afternoon, I say to her, "You are going to work? But its too late!" She told me it was morning and I told her that she was joking, I was really weirded out of my mind. Bye

Them video bloggers

2005-01-15T04:19:00.000-08:00

Well, video blogging. Ive heard about this for the past year and I thought to myself, "How great, Im lazy enough to read what Im typing; I might as well watch other people talk about other stuff." I mean, its pretty much a lazyness factor to me that I dont read as many blogs as I could, it may help me with reading and comprehension-- but who needs those anyways. So I watch a couple of video bloggers this morning and I am somwhat facinated by the development of their speech and prescence in the videos. Most of the time, in most of their earlier videos, the seem a bit rushed to vlog; then later on they seem much more comfortable with what they are saying and what they mean. Their opinions come out better because of the way they deliver their ideas through the video becomes sometimes in normal blogging sarcasm isnt always obvious.

Pioneers

I bet, In the future, most of us can rely on these vloggers to give us the honest news and opinions we need. Not being censored by companies or the politically correct; because, me, I honestly dont want bullshit. Right now blogging is the big thing, politically and socially. Anyways, in my opinion, I believe that they are some of the pioneers of this time because it seems like they had introduced a whole new medium of entertainment. To me, something more interesting than blogs, because Im a visual person(good excuse not to read blogs unless interested or bored).

Anyways, that's pretty much it, I dont care if nobody reads this because I most often talk to myself while typing... Im soo corny.

Morning on a Mac

2005-01-14T08:18:00.000-08:00

Anyways, Im here right now this morning on a Mac G4 (quicksilver) and Im thinking to myself, "Man, If only...". Well, if I could make money off my art, that would be great.

I am currently in my Graphic's class trying to be a seat filler for my instructor.

$20 Dollars

2005-01-13T18:53:00.000-08:00

I need to raise atleast $200 dollars for a good reliable server...

Twenty Dollars

Anyways, I need atleast $200 to pay for two years of service, reliable cheap service. Right now I have about $100 aghh, and I need to raise the money before Feb. 5. I dont even know if that's possible.

Haha, Ryman, Im back!

2005-01-13T17:18:00.000-08:00

I just got accepted to be in the spring semester in the Ryman Program. This is great news, however, I recieved the letter confirming my placement today when it was dated for December 22. Today is January 13, the due date to confirm participation was on the 10th. I called in as soon as I read. I hope they get my message, or atleast accept it.

Ryman

Yup, that's pretty much it.

I need a server

2005-01-13T13:22:00.000-08:00

Well, the time has come when a graphic designer(I) needs a web server. I need one thats cheap enough for a high school student and at the same time is reliable. It have server side scripting abilities and MySql database plus maybe a free domain and 15 subdomains. Ive been looking at a couple of servers fo a while now and some of them I still cant afford. Anyways, as soon as I get a server, the sooner I can make an online portfolio. I dont want to use those free servers because they dont suit what I need, in addition, I hate the advertisements.

Mac Mini

2005-01-12T17:23:00.000-08:00

First words that came out of my mouth when I first found out about this...

Mac Mini

"Holy Shit! Man, If I could get my hands on one of those." Well, it is affordable, at $499, its the cheapest Mac Desktop yet. Now, you might ask me, "Why dont you buy one then?" Well, I dont have the money first of all. Second, I dont have a job.

Well, this product obviously made shockwaves. I hope to get my hands on one, some day.

After Vacation

2005-01-10T06:05:00.000-08:00

Aghh, I just woke up and I know that its going to be a long day. Man, I wish vacation was longer. Anyways, today, Im back to my normal routine. I am going to try to get a job this week, maybe get some money flowing and get myself a server then maybe even a new computer.

Im alive

2005-01-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

Anyways, I got school tomorrow again. I might be switching to a diffrent blogging application maybe by the end of the month. Im still checking it out. http://www.modblog.com". Im still trying to figure out the layout issues on the site. They use tables and I dont like tables. Im just trying to figure out the logistics and Ive been liking blogger, so we'll just have to see.

Im Fine

2005-01-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

That checkup was really nothing. Im healthy, completly and perfectly fine. Thanks for the concern though. Im just a bit out of it right now.

Oh

2005-01-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

Man, I fell asleep yesterday and was asleep all day. Too tired to do anything, so I slept again. Anyways, I had a medical check-up today.

The Check Up

The check up was the kind that was pretty basic: blood pressure, pulse, reflexes, height and weight. Lastly there was the hernia test, this is when the doctor checks you if you have a hernia. This is when he checks your thing for pertrutions when you cough. I wonder how they check girls for hernia. It seems complicated.

Six Apart Aquires LiveJournal

2005-01-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Wll, I dont know if anyone is reading this but Six Apart(The creators of TypePad and Movable Type) has just announced its acquisition of LiveJournal. You can visit both of their websites to check out what really happened.

Owned

Since Six Apart bought LiveJournal the LiveJournal crew will have to move to San Francisco which is an awsome thing. LiveJournal is going to change of coarse, but in a good way. I am sure that Six Apart will help develop the LiveJournal Blogging system or even maybe splice Movable Type with it(That would be soo awsome). Well, two small companies combined is one company. This is great news for the LiveJournal bloggers, they may be getting better blogs.

Both companies use PERL(although the new version of Movable Type now has PHP in it), both of them are small(not any more), and lets just see what happens next. Hopefully more flexible and extensive Blogging systems kinda like WordPress, because I have used WordPress before and its awsome and fast.

Pushing Competition

Of coarse, this news is awsome its also pushing competition. Now LiveJournal has a fighting chance against Blogger and other companies like Microsoft which had just released MSN Spaces. I wouldnt mind having Microsoft bites the dust. I tried MSN spaces and it wasnt good. It didnt suit my needs-- and wants.

What now?

What does this mean for me? Pretty much nothing. I am going to watch the development of LiveJournal and see if the Blogger people will develop Blogger even better.

Procrastination

2005-01-05T04:53:00.000-08:00

This is the best interpritation of that word that I have ever seen.

"Gotta Get Stuff Done"

This video is soo funny. Its even funnier if you can totally relate to it. I wake up in the morning and do the same exact thing sometimes.

Yeah that's pretty much it for that. Check out the link on the bottom.

Uh oh, Boobies.

2005-01-05T04:41:00.000-08:00

Hmm... this is the first time I will be doing this.

Well, Kirsten Dunst had a bit of an accident at the beach and some photographers got a snapshot of her boobies.

Man, its a good thing Im not a celebrity. Having people around me all the time and cameras everywhere I go, having no privacy.

Then why am I posting this? Well, as a male, I think its kinda self explanatory. Its kinda like the same thing if I post a picture of a hot girl on my wall or on this blog. Its kinda hypocritical and the question always seems rhetorical. "Do unto others..."

Well, she does have nice boobies. But what do I know, I dont have boobies, but if I had some of my own, I would want them to look something like that

Tara Reid also had an oopsie but I didnt care to even mention it. It looked like her nip was smeared or something. Eww.

Oh, and by the way, she needs to eat.

What I listened to the most during 2004

2005-01-05T01:08:00.000-08:00

Well, the year went by slowly and quickly at the same time and there is always time to listen back to the year and here are some albums that I listened to the most-- last year.

Albums:

This list isnt arranged very well, but its just an insight to what I was listening to. You might have listened to the same thing. We'll just start it off from here, and yeah, that's pretty much it.

"Turn On the Bright Lights" and "Antics"

Interpol
Man, I have listened to these two albums like they were the only ones I had. The thing is that this band is very very good. "I had seven faces, thought I knew which one to wear..." Lyricly awsome, melodicly rad, and definetly not tiring to listen to.

"Good News for People Who Love Bad News"

Modest Mouse
Well, the good times really do kill me. This album is great. Never really heard anything as surprising as this album. The first time I listened to this album I though to myself "Man, these Guys are out there," and I am probably right. But it was satisfying to listen to things that I can definetly understand.

"Hot Fuss"

The Killers
This album is meledic enough to be almost pop. But I still like it. It has an Alternative type of sesitivity unlike those "not so alternative whiners," other bands. Its The kind of album that I listen to when I want to do something or just really sing along to, havent I told you that its melodic? "Im gonna take you to a midnight show tonight..."

Elephant

"White Stripes"
Awsome album I listened to while banging my head to the most awsomest guitar riffs. So much for a bassist.

Well, this list is going to be updated tomorrow. Im still thinking of the other stuff I listened to.

Color Combination

2005-01-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

Color...

I am currently thinking about a color combination. Hmm. I think I am going to go for more pastel colors so it is more suitable for the upcoming spring season.

Cork and board

2005-01-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

I bought two canvases and a sketchpad at the artshop yesterday. Pretty good stuff. Then me and my mom went to Lowes and bought a pice of wood that i could mount my cork on. Pretty cool. Well, I am about to mount the cork to the board, I hope the spray adhesive will hold.

Meteor Man

2005-01-03T09:22:00.000-08:00

A lesson learned...

I just watched this movie. It was pretty good. It was pretty funny.

The Lesson learned is that you can unite the crypts and the bloods by not having super human powers.

A quick update on How to Make Firefox Faster

2005-01-03T05:27:00.000-08:00

You may want to read this before altering your browser.

adot's notblog*: how to speed up firefox?

I changed my settings and its been working fine so far. If anything goes wrong I am just going to have to go back to the original settings.

Made some improvements

2005-01-03T04:28:00.000-08:00

I made some improvements for IE. IE does not support PNG transparencies, so what I did is I made this site so that if IE viewers were to look at this blog, it would still look similar to the design that I intended.

What I did was use IE's own "" conditional comments to hide specific styles that I wanted to change. It is really simple. Then I re-made the images with transparencies and added the background pattern to it so that it would seem a bit seemless to the viewer. Its not really seemless. Anyways, all is good

I cleaned my room and went to the flea market!

2005-01-03T01:56:00.000-08:00

So yeah I cleaned my room up. I am going to be putting up some cork board by the end of the week to post somt pictures and clippings on. Today, I plan on going to the art shop and buying some goodies for myself and start drawing again.

The Flea Market

So after cleaning my room, me and my mom went to the flea market. It was raining a bit on the way there. Once we got there I felt a bit excited about buying something. Everyone was scattered around, the floor was wet, and it was a beutiful day. So I start looking around and I notice that alot of the stuff the people were selling were either new or junk. The new stuff was eiether fake, damaged, or stolen. The junk was eather stolen or baught from some house. Its kinda sad, you can see stuff that were obviously stolen like car radios and some purses and watches. The most interesting sellers to me were the old people who sold the good stuff.

While I was browsing around I noticed some shops with old people in them. I like shopping in those kinds of shops. Because most of the time they are selling things that they owned. And when buying it, its like buying a piece of history. Anyways, I bought myself a roll of cork for $5.00 which is pretty damn good! I am planning to maount it to a peice of wood about 4ft by 3ft, 5in. And I am going to put it on my wall. This is so that when I put stuff on my wall I dont screw up the drywall or the paint, or the stuff I put up.

Well, that's pretty much it. Good night.

Clean your room!

2005-01-02T04:25:00.000-08:00

I am currently cleaning my room. Its pretty damn messy. Today I am hoping to buy some cork tiles for my wall. Hmm. I need money, haha. Plus I am going to finish up some stuff. Great! Haha. Oh I might Have some pictures up later. Nobody reads this anyways.