One and Half of a Day 0

I've been contemplating the necessity of adventure in one's life. How we're able to comprehend better what is going on in our life by being "outside" of it. The other day, I woke up, carried my bag into my car and drove off to work just like any other day. That day, I worked, like any other day. The beautiful glance outside the window made me realize more there's beauty to behold outside a room. I remember a pleasant glow in between the window blind which illuminated the room just dimly. I took a step outside to go to the bathroom, I took another trip outside for lunch, and took another step outside to depart to a friends house, to depart for adventure.

I got to Jared's house, expecting a long road ahead. He drove as the sun was setting. In a somewhat romantic sense, through both Los Angeles and Orange County's thick dampening smog. The smog that sucks such breaths that should mean so much more and the smog that blinds a longing to move forward. When we passed those county lines and saw the hillsides that would lead us north, where I imagined the clean air would be. Where the temperature was cool, and a breeze would cause me to breathe deeply and maybe fall into the wind. The sun had set and we were away. As I did with a couple of friends a month before... we escaped from Orange County. It was evening, we listened to music, we talked a few, we arrived in San Luis Obispo and stayed at a friend's house.

The following morning, arising from the couch sober and excited, we took to the road. We planned the day, we had breakfast with a friend in Paso Robles. We caught some fleas, then we headed to Berkeley. We arrived at Berkeley. I thought to myself about such an interesting place, with the hustle and bustle that was reminiscent of Los Angeles, crowded streets, and some senile men screaming "free will" and profanity. We were in Berkeley to meet with a friend who offered her place. After lunch, we parted ways and headed for San Francisco; the whole reason for this adventure, but not what continues to guide it. We arrived in "SF" around 6:00pm to see a band named "Kings of Leon." After their great performance, we headed to Oakland, arrived at Lokate's place; conversed in the evening, prepared where we were to sleep then took into a state of rest.

We woke up today, with an idea of home in mind, an idea of business, and just the state of life we are in. We're here in San Luis Obispo again, we've taken in such beautiful sights and such blissful reminders of existence along highway one, along the coast. This is the brief summary of my three days so far.

Extrapolate 0

I’m tired of the unnecessary attachments of living. Having things. I’m tired of knowing I somehow depend on these things for satisfaction. I know my heart isn’t reliant upon these things, these days, it’s more and more difficult to discern whether or not I am defined by these things.

I imagine a self portrait of myself, in the variation of hues I can vividly remember; I’d use these things to identify who I am: a paintbrush, a pencil, a notebook, a bicycle, a computer, a collection of CDs scattered across the floor, books, a camera… I have many things associated with me, yet there is this detachment from them. I reek of the silent indulgence of satisfaction. I have no concern of things over their necessity in my living, but I indulge in them as tools I’ve used in my life.

There’s this large part of my mind that renders me as who I am. It may be a mere delusional self perception. I was naked in this portrait, there were no things laid around me, and yet there was a smile on that face and the left hand over where the heart should be. I don’t know yet if this is where I am, the case right now is that I am not, I just know that is where I want to be.

I am finite. My days have an end over this plane of existence. In this time, I want to know of sadness and despair; I want to know of pain and suffering in my life; I want to know of loneliness and the consequences of being one; I want to know of death and hell; I want to know of the difficulty and torment of living, the emotional heartbreak, frustration and anger. I scream these things out because I’ve been blessed with these things.

Then I raise my voice even more to shout for life; in these finite moments, I’ve come to know of joy, and intentional joy. I have come to know of love and the many forms of it and the misappropriation of them; I have come to know that I am blessed to never be alone and that the relationships I have with my brethren are building; I have come to know of life and what it is to live in truth and light; the mere glimpses I have of my past through the memories I remember, I’ve come to know many things and reason who I am now ultimately by the choice to place God before myself.

Right now, I’m just tired in being who I am.

{Coldness became apparent when I came to know heat.}

http://svneighty.tumblr.com/post/104677540/extrapolate

Narcissism in My Christian Thinking 0

I have observed in many cases of my own nature lately, subjective only to myself, that in this state of "being" to exist and know of my existence and how I relate with the world around me in conjunction to who I am to God is apparently adherent to personal gain. Welcome, my friend, to my attempt at a logical dissertation of comprehending narcissism in the forms I've personally perceived of myself and identified. I have not written this with the intent to praise myself with the wisdom to know when I've become selfish. I have written this in order to shed light on a sin that withholds a mind from truth in light of God and to render the loss of self to be inherently the only way to God.

I am the youngest of four in my family. Being the youngest I was raised by both my parents and older siblings. I was rarely spoiled and raised culturally to not have a sense of entitlement for anything not earned. My parents in their moral upstanding to raise their children different from any child in our culture (my sisters, brother, and I grew up in the Philippines) had tried their best to place in our lives foundations for virtues relating to humility, kindness, patience, morality, and love. This influenced much of my ideals growing up and in cognition deciding whether or not I should receive or pursue something. In essence, I had culturally shifting ideals about virtues and the relevance of my actions toward or away from them. In conscience I can confidently say that my parents had shaped a well rounded moral foundation.

Recently, I have been in a state of growth in mind. Learning to logically express thoughts, concepts, ideas, and meaning. In this phase, a shift of interests had stirred a hunger for wisdom in areas of philosophy and psychology. The more important cases of motives, intent, and human behavioral patterns. I have been perceiving the world, I believe God had shaped and formed, as objectively as possible. Even with my interactions with people, it has become empirically measured relative to my understanding of subjective situations. Knowing in the absolute of general human nature of what is right or wrong and juxtaposing it with a Christian moral and scriptural view of right and wrong, I had been able to be objective to situations that were irrelevant to me or my growth.

I had realized a paradox in my growth. The selfishness of personal gain in pursuit of wisdom even toward God had become self praising and quite ironic. The intent was to find a way to logically justify my faith in God which manifested unintentionally into mindful self indulgence which further contradicted the original intent of the action. In ways I know I have brought glory to God, I've also misconstrued the motives for my learning. I noticed a shift from gaining knowledge for myself to discern how God is working in people's lives including my own, to be more weighted on gaining knowledge for myself as a priority. I had become narcissistic even with logical thinking bordering existential ideals mixed with Christian beliefs. I can now identify within myself where I have faltered in logic, for I have contradicted myself from the foundations of my own intent and morality.

I have come to a concise point in this dissertation to stop in most semantic thinking pertaining only to myself and concentrate intentionally on God's work in my mind. I can only further move in logic, to be uncompromising, to repose and only let growth be an opportunity when available out of my control. I will not digress, nor will I move forward with self perpetuating gain in epistemology, rather, move to the study of the Bible in order to further growth toward God. I submit in humility to God and know I had faltered, but I continue in the knowledge of God's persistent will which I constantly choose to ask for over my own, for I choose to pray for these things in petition to His will. Amen.

i = ? + (0 * 1 (h * m)) 0

I've been awake, to see the modern eyes of love's first eschew. This emotion of joy I could not fathom. I'm not familiar with this kind of joy, so I deny myself of it. I'm scared of it and to see any form of it, I push it away. I'm overflowing with a love that can easily be mistaken. I found myself loving easily. In my mind, these kinds of loves and joys do not seem right.

But my heart is steady. I am in toil of accepting grace, I feel that God's given my heart space to love so I can love as He commanded. The sound of my voice and the times when I find myself singing praises to my God hold such deep meaning to my heart. Even with this knowledge, I battle against my heart. I know it's been wrong before.

My mind could destroy my heart, along with it the loves and joys I feel. I've wanted to feel these ways for a long time. My prayers have been answered; now my life has become a contradiction.

Spending hours and days in observance, to be discerning on all accounts, being objective on every aspect of how my heart acts and reacts to many things.

I've logically deduced that either I'm wrong to everything, wrong to my heart, or wrong to mind. Rejecting these joys and loves may be denying God the satisfaction of giving me grace.

I am logically equivalent to uncertainty of null(being wrong or right) multiplied by the factor of my heart and mind.

i = ? + (0 * 1 (h * m))

Love is most verbose, transcends speech and sound. I will let God's grace abound and continue to keep watch over my heart.

Lord, help me to use this love according to your will.

Untitled 0

I wait on love,
for my love is of the Lord,
as my heart is weary,
hence my soul becomes restless.

For my mind takes joy,
to know the Lord is great to provide,
as my mind is content,
my spirit is at peace.

Hold my heart Father,
you are my comforter.
I see in light the ways my heart falters,
I see in hope of You that it may persevere.